Hardware Woes
by ColdFusion180
Summary: The Acolytes go to a hardware store.


**Hardware Woes**

"I don't believe this," Sabertooth grumbled as he drove a large moving truck with the rest of the Acolytes. "How did we end up going to a hardware store?"

"Because Mags said we had to get supplies in order to fix up all the damage in the base," Remy explained while sitting in the back with Pyro. "And since he can't just have the stuff delivered or easily stolen he's making us go get it."

"I thought it was because we are being punished," Piotr said while riding shotgun.

"That too," Remy said.

"Who cares. I'm just glad to get out of the base on a non-mission related activity," Pyro waved.

"Of course it's Pyro's fault that we all have to go out," Remy said.

"It is not!" Pyro exclaimed heatly. "Compared to what you did I hardly made a mess."

"Pyro, you dumped thirty six gallons of Triple Lemon Mint ice cream and a dozen bottles of chocolate sauce into the washing machine and set it on super spin to try and make shakes," Remy glared at him.

"Hey, I didn't hear you complaining when I asked if you wanted some," Pyro huffed. "And refresh my memory, who was it that charged the washer and caused it to explode?"

"That was an accident!" Remy protested. "I fell against it when the generator Piotr threw came crashing through the wall and nearly took my head off!"

"I am sorry for that. But had all those ball bearings not been on the floor it would not have slipped out of my hands," Piotr pointed out.

"Well besides that, Mags was really mad when the exploding washer took out three walls between him and the laundry room and he found himself covered in chocolate sauce," Pyro chuckled. "Man, I wish we'd gotten pictures of that."

"Idiots," Sabertooth growled as he drove. "No wonder the boss is making me baby-sit the lot of you. I'm the only one who's trustworthy and sane."

"Oh shut up," Pyro snapped.

"I wonder how Magneto got the truck," Piotr thought.

"Probably the same way he got our bikes," Remy replied. "At least it's big and we can get all the stuff in one trip. Though he could have gotten one with a little more cab room. I'm all scrunched up back here."

"Yeah, me too. Why do we have ta ride back here? Why can't I sit up front?" Pyro whined.

"Because you two are the smallest. Deal with it!" Sabertooth snarled.

"Hey, how are we gonna pay for all the stuff?" Pyro asked.

"Please tell me Mags trusted us with his credit card or cash," Remy prayed.

"Yeah right. You really think he's that stupid?" Sabertooth asked.

"Well…" Pyro began.

"Forget it. He gave me a signed check already made out to the store while he was downing aspirin. And he told me what would happen if he even suspected anyone of buying non-necessary items. Let's just say it would involve boiling tar, sonic emitters and lots of barb wire," Sabertooth growled.

"Here we are," Piotr said as they pulled into the parking lot in front of Harry's Hardware Shack.

"Great. And remember to keep a low profile," Remy reminded as they got out of the truck. Piotr and Pyro were in civilian clothes while Remy and Sabertooth wore their normal uniforms and trench coats.

"You got it," Pyro grinned as they entered the store. "Ooohhh! Lighters! In all shapes and colors!"

"Oh no!" Remy grabbed Pyro's collar and dragged him away from the lighter display. "No way are you gonna go wandering around alone. You're coming with me."

"Awww," Pyro pouted.

"We'll go pick up the windows, electrical supplies and shower heads. And we might as well try and get a few toilets while we're here," Remy said as he checked over his copy of the list.

"I will get the pipes, sheet metal and vent hoses," Piotr offered.

"Fine. Whatever. I'll get the rest," Sabertooth grumbled as the Acolytes split up.

Remy and Pyro grabbed a cart and headed over to the electrical section. Remy looked over the list. "Alright, let's see. We need about fifty feet of electrical cable, three dozen light bulbs, switches, sockets, a few fixtures…man this is gonna take a while. Hey, can you go get the…stop playing with those!" Remy hissed at Pyro.

"Look at me! I'm an Irish Elk!" Pyro danced around with a large branched light fixture on his head.

"Py…uh, put that down!" Remy scolded. "Low profile, remember?"

"Oops! Sorry mate," Pyro sheepishly put the fixture back and shuffled back to Remy. "I'm just excited to finally get out."

"Well you'd better cool down or you might not get a second chance," Remy warned while tossing a few packages of PVC boxes into their cart.

"Right, got it," Pyro nodded his head as he looked around the store. "Hey, they got gas grills here! Let's go check 'em out!" Pyro ran off.

"Get back here!" Remy ran after Pyro with the cart. "This is gonna be a long day."

Meanwhile Sabertooth was in the hardware section stocking up on duck tape, screws, hinges, and other items while grumbling to himself. "This is so stupid. Why does the boss even need this stuff? He can just reform the walls to fix the damage or use some scrap metal to make the stuff we need and install it all in a few seconds, but does he, noooo! He makes us go out and get this stuff just so he can have a few moments of quiet away from the insanity of those Three Stooges. And of course he chose to punish them by fixing everything themselves which will take hours instead of the minutes he would need. And I have to be the one to baby-sit them and make sure they don't cause more damage and blow something up! I outta tear into those lunatics so bad that…hey!" Sabertooth turned and glared at the person who had bumped into his side.

"Oh excuse me," Principal Kelly said looking up at Sabertooth. "I just need to get by."

"Well watch where you're going next time bub," Sabertooth snarled.

"Right," Kelly gulped at the dangerous look on Sabertooth's face and walked away mumbling, "That ruffian shouldn't even be allowed in the store. By the look of him he's probably a mutant with all that disgusting, unkempt hair of his. Even if he isn't he's probably broken the health code for this place. I should call the manager and have him arrested. Filthy mutants!"

Unfortunately for Kelly, Sabertooth heard every word thanks to his enhanced hearing and had to restrain himself from leaping at him and tearing him to bits on the spot. Now he glared at Kelly's retreating form with an evil look. "Oh, he's gonna pay." People who where walking by him at the time took one look at him and quickly moved away as he began to stalk Kelly.

Piotr had managed to find the plumbing section and had loaded all the pipes they needed on a flatbed cart and was heading to the ventilation section when he heard Remy yelling, "For the last time, we are not getting any grills!"

"Please!" Pyro was heard begging. "This one puts out 72,000 BTU's, has four burners, a large infa-red burner, and a rotisserie!"

"No, no and no!" Piotr turned the corner and saw Remy attempting to pull Pyro away from a large grill. Pyro was holding onto the grill with both hands and refused to let go.

"Hey, a little help here!" Remy called out as he spotted Piotr. Piotr walked over and managed to pry Pyro's hands away from the grill.

"Noooo!" Pyro sobbed as was forcefully led away from the outdoor section of the store. "Please, can't we get it? It's one of the top twenty most beautiful things I've ever seen! Please please please?"

"Sorry, but no," Piotr said.

"Awww," Pyro pouted. "Oh well. Let's see what else there is to do around here." Pyro grabbed the cart and sped off before Remy or Piotr could stop him.

"Oh great. Not again," Remy cursed as he ran after Pyro.

"Wheeeeeee!" Pyro was heard laughing in the distance.

"Come back here!" Remy yelled as he tried to find him.

"This is not good," Piotr gulped as he went to retrieve his flatbed and help Remy in his search.

* * *

"Hmmm," Kelly thought as he stood in a hardware aisle looking at an assortment of locks. "I need something heavy duty for my office. And for my desk drawer. I don't know who keeps leaving that disgusting green slime in my desk, but it's going to stop! Ah, this one looks good."

"Hey you!" Kelly heard someone shout and felt his glasses removed.

"Hey, what the…MMMMMFFFF!" Kelly spun around only to get a plunger shoved over the front of his face.

"You think mutants are filthy huh?" Sabertooth chuckled as he lifted Kelly up by his collar and took out an open can of paint varnish. "How about this?" He poured the varnish over Kelly's head.

"MMMMMFFFF" Kelly tried to scream and break loose.

"And this!" Sabertooth dragged Kelly over a few aisles and threw him into a display of fertilizer and bird seed.

CRASH!

"Who's filthy now bub?" Sabertooth laughed as Kelly lay sprawled on the floor.

"Ohhh," Kelly moaned.

"Hey I saw that!" Sabertooth spun around and came face to face with a security guard. "Sir I must ask you to come with me."

"Yeah right," Sabertooth scoffed. "You and what army?"

"This one." Three more guards came up around the corner. "We've been keeping an eye on you after being warned by several customers."

"You're coming with us," the first guard said.

"Oh really," Sabertooth grinned. "Let's discuss it, shall we?"

* * *

"Where did that maniac go?" Remy muttered as he ran through the store. "This place isn't that big."

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" Several people screamed and ran out of an aisle covered in some sort of gray gunk.

"That's gotta be him," Remy ran to the aisle and looked down it.

"Ah, silicon caulk is so much fun!" Pyro giggled as he wielded a loaded caulking gun in each hand and used them to draw all over the aisle.

"Pyro put those down!" Remy shouted. "No don't spray that guy! Watch out for the ladder! Don't draw **those** kinds of pictures on the wall!"

"Ya know, you really need to lighten up," Pyro said as Remy finally managed to catch him. "Hey, isn't that the shelia with the white striped hair you like over there?"

"Where?" Remy turned his head. Pyro then twisted out of Remy's grasp and bolted down the aisle. "What the? That's it, I'm not gonna even try anymore. So much for keeping a low profile. Might as well have some fun." Remy threw up his hands and headed over to the maintenance section.

Meanwhile Piotr had fortunately managed to follow Pyro and tracked him down to the power tools section. Unfortunately, Pyro had picked up several extension cords before he got there.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH! HELP ME!" a poor man ran by followed by several belt sanders.

"GET THESE OFF ME!" another man was desperately trying to free himself from being mobbed by hand polishers. "THE POLISHERS ARE EVIL! EVIL I TELL YOU!"

"What in the world?" Piotr looked on in shock, not noticing Pyro sneak away carrying a paint sprayer.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" several security guards bolted past Piotr. Piotr looked back and saw a dozen circular power saws heading right for him.

"Yikes!" Piotr quickly grabbed a length of PVC pipe from his flatbed and tried to keep the power saw herd at bay.

"Come in, come in!" a voice came over a walkie-talkie of one of the retreating security guards.

"HELP US!" the guard picked it up and screamed. "THE POWER SAWS ARE POSSESSED!"

"What?! Bill have you been drinking on the job again? Get your guys over to lawncare pronto! We're having major trouble over here!" the voice yelled.

"RRROOOAAARRR!" Sabertooth gleefully took on guards in the lawncare section and was having a ball throwing them over, on, and through shelves full of grass seed. Some of the guards had enough and ran out of the store.

"MOMMY!" one guard cried as he ran out.

"Ohhh," Kelly had somehow managed to pull the plunger from his face and slowly stumbled out of the store, still covered in fertilizer and seed. "I hate mutants!" he groaned as he headed for his car. "Ow! Stupid sign! I can't see a thing without my glasses! Ow! Hey! Ow! What the heck? OW! OW! SOMEBODY GET THESE BIRDS AWAY FROM ME! AAAAHHHHHH!"

Up at the front desk the manager was going crazy trying to make sense of what was going on as people fled the store to get away from the madness. "What do you mean someone set all the lawn mowers loose? **How** many guards have quit? There's **what** in the paint section? No, I know chainsaws aren't alive and they can't unleash hedge cutters to do their bidding! Somebody burned **what** into the floor using a blowtorch?! What do you mean half of the back wall is **missing**?! The entire electrical staff has been tied up with garden hoses?! HOW CAN ALL OF THIS BE HAPPENING?! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!"

"YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAA!" Remy whooped as he rode by on a cart with three large, souped up cordless blowers utilized for propulsion.

"SOMEBODY STOP THAT GUY!" the poor manager screamed.

BUUZZZZZZZZZ! A power saw came by and began climbing up the desk.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" the manager ran away in terror. "I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO MY COUSIN SIDNEY AND GONE INTO FIREWORKS!"

Meanwhile chaos continued to reign throughout the store. "Who poured rubber cement all over the floor?!" Several barefooted people ran out the store leaving behind several aisles covered with shoes and socks.

"Three point one four one five nine!" Pyro sang out reciting pi as he decorated several aisles with orange paint and mailbox number stickers.

Piotr had lost his PVC pipe in battle with the power saws and fallen back to the outdoor section to try and decide what to do next.

"WAHOOOOOOO!" Remy came sailing by and nearly ran into Piotr.

"Whoa!" Piotr leapt out of the way and accidentally hit the insect control shelf. Several heavy citronella candles fell and landed on a wanderling sander and managed to break it, causing sparks. They were quickly followed by several cans of insect repellent.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"Oops," Piotr gulped as he grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher and tried to put out the flames.

"You're gonna get it now!" a guard swung a large steel rod at Sabertooth. Sabertooth easily caught it and bent it in half.

"You were saying?" Sabertooth grinned as he backhanded the guard into a shelf. Another guard tried to sneak behind him while brandishing a blowtorch. Sabertooth turned and gave a very nasty grin causing the guard to drop the blowtorch and run away. His example was quickly followed by rest of the guards.

"Cowards!" Sabertooth shouted as he watched the guards run for their lives. He casually kicked the blowtorch away and didn't notice it landing right under a large stack of propane tanks.

KA-BOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!

Fortunately everyone had fled the store by then except for the Acolytes so no one was injured.

"Uh, I think it's time to leave," Pyro gulped as he looked at the remaining quarter of the store still standing.

"I agree," Piotr groaned as the Acolytes pilled into the truck and drove away just as they began to hear police sirens.

"That was great," Sabertooth grinned as he drove. "A good fight like that always puts me in a good mood. And the way I handled that annoying little shrimp."

"Yeah," Pyro agreed. "Did you know how fast a wet/dry vacuum can go until it explodes?"

"But we did not get any of the stuff we were supposed to," Piotr pointed out. "And we destroyed the store. Magneto will not be pleased."

"Well, technically Sabertooth destroyed the store," Pyro said.

"It was worth it," Sabertooth grinned.

"Yeah, and we'll just tell Mags that several of the employees were anti-mutant and behaved in an unkind manner," Remy waved. "So we decided to wreck the store as payback. He'll buy it, no sweat."

"But that is lying. Shouldn't we…" Piotr protested.

"Forget it Russian," Sabertooth growled.

"Alright," Piotr groaned. "Let us just go back to the base."

"Let's make one quick stop before we do," Remy grinned and pulled out a pocket full of cash. "Who wants ice cream?"

"Oooh, I do!" Pyro squealed.

"Where did you get that?" Piotr asked.

"From the cash registers," Remy grinned. "Most of them were just left open anyway, so…"

"Perfect," Piotr groaned. "Destruction, demolition, chaos and thievery. Just the kind of reputation we need."

"Hey, works for me," Remy shrugged.

"I want Triple Lemon Mint," Pyro ordered as they headed to the ice cream parlor.

"Maybe we should go out more often," Sabertooth grinned.

**

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.**


End file.
